In April, I presented my dissertation in a final oral review. In June, an email arrived confirming I had “successfully completed all the academic requirements necessary to receive the degree of Doctor of Philosophy in Human Development.” The graduation ceremony happens later this month.

Nearly five years after declaring the intention to earn a Ph.D., I did it.

The Ph.D. should feel like a big deal. Pursuing a doctorate was a considerable investment of money, time, and emotions. Those sacrifices add up, so while I’m proud of the achievement, I’m also wrestling with a dull burn of apathy as I wonder: was it worth it?

That’s why I decided to revisit the intentions made in my original 2017 post. Aside from earning the degree, I set three developmental goals. Here’s how it went:

Become a better thinker.

Anticipation filled the onset of my doctoral journey as I imagined studying a topic that had long held my interest—multiracial identity. Many questioned the legitimacy of this research focus, suggesting it was self-serving “me-search” and not a real scholarly pursuit. 

But I remained steadfast. I dug into the origins of racial identity in the United States, wading through a history wrought with injustices rooted in ideologies of white supremacy. I explored how multiracial people, particularly multiracial women of color, navigate the paradox of a lived experience that straddles multiple, cross-cutting social identities. 

This deep, heavy research forced me to engage in many complicated and tension-filled conversations with others and, frankly, with myself. Against the backdrop, the recent political and racial climate exposed uncomfortable realities as many grappled with deeply rooted divisions, disparities, and traumas. Plus, we all have stories about the impact of a global pandemic that rocked our worlds. On the personal front, I managed a coast-to-coast family move, maintained a full-time career, and sent two of my kids off to college.

Given the context, it’s no wonder I’ve met this milestone with some indifference. A lot happened alongside school, and in the grand scheme of a full life, the Ph.D. feels big but possibly, not as big as everything else. Yet, have the experiences of the last four-plus years grown my thinking and perspective? Unquestionably, yes.

Become a better writer.

William Zinsser’s classic On Writing Well had been a beloved resource for years before I returned to graduate school. With the doctoral program, I revisited the book, specifically, the premise that “writers must constantly ask: what am I trying to say? Surprisingly, often they don’t know.”

(Oh, how I toiled for endless days, weeks, and months unsure of what I wanted to say!)

Social research took me on many curious and meandering paths. There is so much to know, leading to much that I could say. Narrowing focus to a sliver of research was hard but necessary, even in a dissertation-length paper with many blank pages to fill.

My research focus iterated throughout the program, but I ultimately landed on a critical discourse analysis of popular media covering Kamala Harris’ leadership. I wanted to know what the discourse might broadly illuminate or obscure about multiracial women of color as they lead in dynamic, complex organizations. In the spirit of Zinsser, here was the main point of my dissertation: 

Despite increased attention to diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI), organizations often rely on binary constructs that see race and gender as discrete, either/or categories of identity; this overshadows the unique perspectives of those with intersectional identities while upholding the systemic oppression DEI strategies are meant to undo.

So ultimately, am I a better writer? Yes. And I’m a (recovering) perfectionist who struggles to finalize a draft. “Better” will always be an aspiration. The good news is I have more to say, which means more reasons to practice my writing craft.

Become a better contributor.

My future contribution as a doctoral-level scholar-practitioner is a work in progress. I've thought about applying my doctoral research toward another goal: write a book. But the desire to pursue that goal has dampened.

In the meantime, I hope my research can help organizations that want to advance diverse leaders by offering the nuance needed to implement meaningful DEI strategies. And naturally, I’ll bring what I learned from the doctoral experience into my everyday work as a strategic HR leader. For now, those contributions will do; more will eventually follow.

What’s Next?

Rest, self-care, and reconnecting to a rich life outside of academics are in my immediate future. I plan to vacation, enjoy my family, become reacquainted with old friends, make new ones, and exchange lots of love with the sweet older pup (pictured) we rescued in February.

In the long-term, who knows? Life will always bring challenging pursuits. For now, I’m content with putting a pause on striving and enjoying the accomplishments I’ve already earned.